And then it all started to fall apart

76ab92d58f4e821935a7374d53cecf3aEverything is a mess. My hair is a mess. My thoughts are a mess, a big mess. My life also, is a mess. I am a big mess. I live in a beautiful world, but I always do something to make it so stupid, so ugly, so bad, so miserable. I always find myself in something crazy and hurtful and then I hate the world. This is who I am. I always make something beautiful seem ugly, miserable, cold, heartless. And, of course, I am the one who is hurting the most, the one who has a big smile on my face, but my heart is bleeding, my heart is burning, it is beating irregularly, it is stolen by those nightmares when you wake up scared and, because of that, it is pumping so much blood, you think you are going to explode.

And your veins. Oh, you think they can not hold longer so much blood. But they will, they always will. They are strong, unlike your feet that can not hold you in this moment. And you have to sit and cry and maybe take a good nap or maybe a long sleep.

When you wake up, you are going to feel better. Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes you are going to feel better, but when the pain is strong, you will not feel better. You will feel just like in the beginning, you will feel perplexed, confused, scared, mad, sad, a step from insanity, hurting the way you always did, making stupid scenarios in your head that make you angry. You will be a disaster, a mess, a little torn thing, that needs love, protection, affection, security, love again.

And you will feel the need to drink, to fill the spaces in your life at this moment with something. Dreadful things happening. You drink and get drunk like a freaking shit. But, you are feeling more horrible than you were before. Your thoughts are going crazy, the room is spinning, you feel a lost love, you feel so hurt, you are away from everything, but you are in Hell. You already are a total, complete mess, you can not be saved tonight.

And then it all started to fall apart…again.


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